Forgiving Someone Who Continues to Hurt You
How to forgive someone who keeps hurting you, and why, for the sake of your own wellbeing and peace of mind, you should make it a priority to do so.
How to Forgive Someone Who Keeps Hurting You
It's not something I'm proud of, but… I have been known in my time to be a grudge-holder.
There was really only one person who lost out when I held a grudge, and it wasn't them.
I think it's about self-preservation – fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
Understanding where it comes from and having worked hard on myself over the last few years to do better, I try not to beat myself up about it too much.
Because in that time I've learned a very important lesson: there was really only one person who lost out when I held a grudge, and it wasn't them.
For the sake of my own peace of mind, I've started to work hard at forgiving – everyone, every time.
I don't want bitterness and anguish to blight my future, so I now make a conscious effort in all relationships to forgive and move on. Clinging to old resentments achieves nothing; it simply sucks the joy out of life for you and those around you.
My one caveat, before my husband reads this and accuses me of being disingenuous, is that I will still notchoose to be around people who've repeatedly let me and/or my family down; I'm not a masochist.
Saying sorry and being sorry are two very different things.
But there's a very clear difference between those I forgive easily and those I struggle to:
If somebody does me wrong and is sorry, I forgive. Even if it takes a while for hurt / irritation / pride to dissipate, I forgive – with my whole heart.
Conversely, if somebody does wrong to me or my loved ones and shows zero remorse – saying sorry and being sorry are two very different things – then I find it much, much harder.
Which can be difficult for your wellbeing, especially when you're not in a position to stop having contact with the person you're in conflict with.
Perhaps even worse is when the person is somebody you love. When spending time with them is both inevitable and painful because while you've forgiven, you no longer trust them not to hurt you again.
In those circumstances, you have to find a way to forgive and move forward.
But how?
Choosing Forgiveness and Letting Go of Grudges
Below are the steps I've learned to take to pave the way to forgiveness. They may not all apply in every situation, but between them, I'm able to protect myself and move forward in a healthy way.
- Recognise that the reason for forgiving them is to setyou free.
Forgiveness is not the same as absolution.
For me, the first step to forgiveness was realising that it's not (necessarily) for the benefit of the person who has wronged you – they don't even need to know they've been forgiven.
I'd been under the misapprehension that forgiveness is the same as absolution; now I'm more comfortable with another – arguably less noble – meaning:
'To cease to feel resentment against.'
- If you can, remove yourself from the situation.
Cutting people off can be the very best thing you can do for your mental health.
In relationships I care about my preference is always to discuss any issues, so we can iron them out and move forward without them hanging over us. Sweeping problems under the carpet rarely works in my experience.
In situations where having that awkward conversation is not an option, or when it fails to resolve the conflict, then it's necessary to find a different way to move forward.
Since my mid twenties I've found myself making very calculated decisions: if talking doesn't work out, then cutting people off can be the very best thing you can do for your mental health, and I've no problem doing it.
This sounds cold, but I'm actually loyal to a fault, and it takes a lot for me to take this action. I'm referring to toxic situations where I'm being taken advantage of or treated badly and I call people out.
People can only repeatedly treat us badly with our permission.
This is not how a friend behaves, and while it may be uncomfortable or even make me quite sad, I won't stay for more of the same based purely on a shared history.
People can only repeatedly treat us badly with our permission.
So forgive them, and move on.
It's critical to your wellbeing.
Remember that forgiveness doesn't – cannot – always mean an immediate restoration of faith in the person who has hurt you.
You're worth more than that.
So forgive – then vote with your feet and leave.
But what about when you're unable to put much-needed distance between yourself and the person you're in conflict with?
- Accept that it's sometimes the bigger thing to simply 'get on' when you have to.
Cutting all ties is a luxury that's not always available, with family or a colleague for example.
When there's no choice but to maintain contact with someone who has consistently let you down, it's critical to your wellbeing to find a way to make peace with that scenario.
Unless you've been hiding under a rock you'll be very familiar with the negative connotations of being two-faced. There's an unwritten rule starting in the school playground that it's not cool, and we don't do it.
It was extremely awkward and a very steep learning curve.
Except very often we do. And even more often it's actively encouraged.
If you've ever attended a family wedding then you will surely be aware of this phenomenon: where there are serious disagreements between relatives, both/all parties are usually urged to 'please just get on' for the sake of the family.
How to Forgive Someone You Can't Avoid
Several years ago I found myself at the centre of a situation just like this.
It was extremely awkward and a very steep learning curve: my mother's sister refused to attend my wedding if my dad was there.
I'd recently reconciled with my father after five years of estrangement, and while he wasn't giving me away, it was very important to me that he was at my wedding.
My cousin who I'd grown grown up with and was very close to at the time chose to support his parents, and so at the last minute, none of them came to my wedding.
I'd not asked for this situation; I was devastated by it.
And yet I had to negotiate this unfamiliar territory with little experience and less wisdom.
My instinct was to avoid, avoid, avoid my aunt, with whom I'd previously been close but had now broken my heart.
With hindsight, I'm able to appreciate that I was still processing, and hadn't forgiven or made peace with the ultimatum I'd been given.
For a long time it felt like undermining my values around integrity.
Of course avoiding bumping into my aunt wasn't always feasible; there were some family occasions when I found myself facing three difficult choices:
- Avoid – and upset everybody because regardless of your reasons, you're the one creating the drama by not being present (the irony of which is not lost on me).
- Attend with integrity – and upset everybody because you're unable to face your adversary and be two-faced.
- Attend and be two-faced.
For a long time the third option felt like undermining my values around integrity.
When Being Two-Faced is The Lesser of Two Evils
It took a while – several years in fact – but I now appreciate the value in 'getting along' with people I may not like or choose to associate with.
Being polite to their face rather than telling them how I truly feel is not 'two-faced' in the traditional sense – it's called being a grown-up.
In this sense, being two-faced can be shortsighted. Seeing past a lack of respect for a person, and instead plastering on a smile and making small talk can actually be the more mature and appropriate behaviour in specific situations.
Forgiveness is a state of mind.
Obviously this isn't always the best course of action – if you aren't trying to preserve anyone's feelings, or if you need never be in the company of the other person then there's little point in forcing yourself to pretend to like someone!
I've personally felt like a fraud and a hypocrite in these kinds of circumstances – yet I've known it's for the best.
The only person who feels icky is me, whereas 'being true to myself' would do nothing but make life difficult for everyone around us.
Sometimes this version of forgiveness, which provide the capacity to appease family, is worth being two-faced for.
- Choose to stop cultivating pain and bitterness.
Forgiveness is a state of mind; it's activelychoosing not to hold onto the hurt any longer; it is not (necessarily) absolving somebody of their actions.
Essentially, I've found that I can 'fake it till I make it', playing the part of somebody who has forgiven in order to avoid painful conflict has, over time, allowed me totruly forgive.
- If necessary, allow yourself to have a genuine – but superficial – relationship.
I found myself involved in a different situation where I had to forgive somebody for the sake of my mental health, in order to be able to move on emotionally. But it wasn't quite that simple.
The person involved this time was somebody who had my heart. I wanted more than anything for our differences to be resolved. I thought they had been…
And then something would cause me to question our friendship. And I'd convince myself I was imagining things.
And then something else would once again cause me to question our friendship.
Forgiving wasn't really the issue, so much as how to move forward.
We were going round in circles, except I came to the very sad realisation that it was just me. My friend had moved on, yet refused to break away. She kept me hoping, and I was so reluctant to accept the end of our friendship that I allowed her to, for far too long.
And so we stayed in an unhealthy toxic place where I wasn't ready to give up on us, and her behaviour became worse and worse.
Eventually I came to the very painful decision that our friendship couldn't continue as it was. Forgiving wasn't really the issue, so much as how to move forward.
For the sake of your wellbeing it sometimes becomes necessary to limit contact, because otherwise you can be drawn back into an unhealthy dynamic.
Spending time with them is painful because you no longer trust them not to hurt you again.
By this point my trust was destroyed, and in other circumstances, having made my difficult decision I'd have put lots of space between us. But our lives were entangled in such a way that was not an option.
But how do you do move forwards with the person you need distance from remaining in your life? When it's somebody you love, and who you cannot entirely avoid?
When spending time with them is painful because while you have forgiven, you no longer trust them not to hurt you again?
This situation is different to being two-faced: your fondness would be genuine – yet cautious.
I had an epiphany, which helped me enormously.
How to Forgive in a Toxic Friendship You Can't Leave
It doesn't feel natural, and it's not easy. But it was necessary – and it worked.
It occurred to me in the midst of this tricky situation that, while sometimes it's necessary to consciously stop being invested in a friend or relative, you can go on enjoying their company when it's unavoidable.
Essentially, I made the conscious decision to downgrade somebody I'd cared about very deeply to an acquaintance who's fun to be around.
It doesn't feel natural, and it's not easy. But it was necessary – and it worked.
Severing emotional attachment empowers you to take responsibility for your own feelings, and takes away somebody else's ability to hurt you.
As a way of protecting myself from being repeatedly let down, I refuse to be emotionally invested in the relationship – yet superficially I continue to socialise and be friendly.
I don't actively seek to spend time with this person because, over time, I'd inevitably find myself drawn to them and making an unhealthy attachment (again). But when I find myself thrown together with them it's okay to make the most of that time and choose to enjoy it.
It's not the way I'd choose for things to be; it's not my preference. But it's the best I can do in this difficult situation in which I find myself, and it's working for now.
Anybody can learn how to forgive for the greater good.
Taking this attitude and severing my emotional attachment empowers me to take responsibility for my own feelings, and ultimately take away somebody else's control and ability to hurt me.
In fact, I've since reached this stage with my aunt too. I always enjoyed her company, and since forgiving and making peace with the position she put me in I'm now able to occasionally enjoy her company.
I don't seek it out because our relationship was irrevocably changed when she made me choose between her (any my cousin who I adored but have since also drifted from), and my dad.
It feels contradictory, but appreciating that it's possible to enjoy a person's company while no longer being able to be invested in a relationship with them is very freeing.
Doing this is my personal version of forgiveness and being kind to myself.
Forgiveness is so difficult because it means putting compassion (and common sense!) above pride – and possibly integrity.
But really it's about perspective, and with a change in mindset anybody can learn how to forgive for the greater good: an easier life for your close ones – and for you too.
Source: https://www.refinedprose.com/how-forgive-someone-keeps-hurting/
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